Friday, November 12, 2004

 

YASSAR ARAFAT STILL DEAD (SORT OF)

reported by Suplex

ASSOCIATED PRESS - Yassar Arafat is once again dead, after a short run as a zombified half-dead entity.

Arafat initially died early November 11th in a Paris, France medical care facility after a long illness. He was in a coma for much of his stay at the Parisian hospital.

After his death at 0230 GMT, Arafat's body was placed in the hospital's morgue, where apparently the work of a voodoo priestess came to fruition. Arafat's zombified corpse rose from the cart his lifeless body was placed on. Arafat then began to gnaw determinedly on the brain of the body next to his, the corpse of one Jacques LeFleur.

LeFleur, 54, was a member of the French military, and had passed away after a sudden heart attack.

This provoked a quick response from the worldwide headquarters for prevention of zombie attacks, the Polish Army.

"Ve haf der zombie killing skills, ja," said Polish army spokesperson Stanislaus Zgniewscinski.


Zgniewscinski told reporters of the epic battle to destory Arafat's soulless shell and to keep the spectre of zombieism from spreading.

"Ja, ve hat to chop off Mr. Arafat's het und run away from der body, ja. Lookily by dat time ve hat der help of der French army, und dey haf more experience in running away, ja."

Thankfully, no one was seriously hurt in the ensuing chaos.

Arafat's headless body is now in the custody of Egyptian officials, who will bury most of him in Cairo later this week.

Monday, November 08, 2004

 

Fox News anchor proclaims CNN to be "total douches"

reported by Suplex

REUTERS - In a Saturday broadcast on Fox News Channel, reporter Brit Hume called the Cable News Network (a subsidiary of AOL Time-Warner), a "bunch of total douches".

Rupert Murdoch, owner of News Corporation (the parent company of Fox News), released a statement that read "Yeah, they're a bunch of pooftahs over at CNN. Now how's about some more vegemite?"

Hume is not expected to receive any sort of sanction from Fox News, but is instead expected to co-host the new news-magazine show "Increase Your Ratings By Acting Like a Jackass" with Bill O'Reilly.

CNN did not issue a formal statement. They instead ran a message across their newscrawl reading "Stop being mean to me, Fox!" followed by a series of sad-visaged emoticons.

MSNBC executives could not be reached for comment as they were too busy picking through the dumpster behind their offices to find food for the night.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

 

Release of GTA:SA leads many to "cream pants"

reported by Suplex

ASSOCIATED PRESS - Rockstar Games released the brand new installment in the Grand Theft Auto series, GTA: San Andreas.

IGN Insider calls GTA:SA "the latest in the million-selling franchise and offers up a world five times as large as (GTA) Vice City. It's truly incredible just how much you can do and how much scope the title has accomplished. Additionally, the story, set in the '90s, is more fierce than ever before. This makes San Andreas most certainly an M-rated experience with harsher profanity and violence than even the previous titles."

Gamers all over the world have cited the games graphics, storyline, and overall gamplay for the reason they need "a change of jockeys".

Makers of facial tissue all around the world, including industry giant Kleenex, celebrated the arrival of this milestone in gaming history. Kleenex in particular celebrated with the opening of two new factories in Waukegan, illinois, and Bangor, Maine.

Lotion manufacturers such as Jergens of Cincinatti have also seen record profits in the days since the release of GTA:SA.

"It's, like, the best game ever," said gamer Greg Ford. "I want to spooge every time I even go near the disc, much less actually play it."

"I would kill my own mother to play San Andreas for five minutes," remarked video game enthusiast Larry Hearst.

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