Friday, November 12, 2004

 

YASSAR ARAFAT STILL DEAD (SORT OF)

reported by Suplex

ASSOCIATED PRESS - Yassar Arafat is once again dead, after a short run as a zombified half-dead entity.

Arafat initially died early November 11th in a Paris, France medical care facility after a long illness. He was in a coma for much of his stay at the Parisian hospital.

After his death at 0230 GMT, Arafat's body was placed in the hospital's morgue, where apparently the work of a voodoo priestess came to fruition. Arafat's zombified corpse rose from the cart his lifeless body was placed on. Arafat then began to gnaw determinedly on the brain of the body next to his, the corpse of one Jacques LeFleur.

LeFleur, 54, was a member of the French military, and had passed away after a sudden heart attack.

This provoked a quick response from the worldwide headquarters for prevention of zombie attacks, the Polish Army.

"Ve haf der zombie killing skills, ja," said Polish army spokesperson Stanislaus Zgniewscinski.


Zgniewscinski told reporters of the epic battle to destory Arafat's soulless shell and to keep the spectre of zombieism from spreading.

"Ja, ve hat to chop off Mr. Arafat's het und run away from der body, ja. Lookily by dat time ve hat der help of der French army, und dey haf more experience in running away, ja."

Thankfully, no one was seriously hurt in the ensuing chaos.

Arafat's headless body is now in the custody of Egyptian officials, who will bury most of him in Cairo later this week.

Monday, November 08, 2004

 

Fox News anchor proclaims CNN to be "total douches"

reported by Suplex

REUTERS - In a Saturday broadcast on Fox News Channel, reporter Brit Hume called the Cable News Network (a subsidiary of AOL Time-Warner), a "bunch of total douches".

Rupert Murdoch, owner of News Corporation (the parent company of Fox News), released a statement that read "Yeah, they're a bunch of pooftahs over at CNN. Now how's about some more vegemite?"

Hume is not expected to receive any sort of sanction from Fox News, but is instead expected to co-host the new news-magazine show "Increase Your Ratings By Acting Like a Jackass" with Bill O'Reilly.

CNN did not issue a formal statement. They instead ran a message across their newscrawl reading "Stop being mean to me, Fox!" followed by a series of sad-visaged emoticons.

MSNBC executives could not be reached for comment as they were too busy picking through the dumpster behind their offices to find food for the night.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

 

Release of GTA:SA leads many to "cream pants"

reported by Suplex

ASSOCIATED PRESS - Rockstar Games released the brand new installment in the Grand Theft Auto series, GTA: San Andreas.

IGN Insider calls GTA:SA "the latest in the million-selling franchise and offers up a world five times as large as (GTA) Vice City. It's truly incredible just how much you can do and how much scope the title has accomplished. Additionally, the story, set in the '90s, is more fierce than ever before. This makes San Andreas most certainly an M-rated experience with harsher profanity and violence than even the previous titles."

Gamers all over the world have cited the games graphics, storyline, and overall gamplay for the reason they need "a change of jockeys".

Makers of facial tissue all around the world, including industry giant Kleenex, celebrated the arrival of this milestone in gaming history. Kleenex in particular celebrated with the opening of two new factories in Waukegan, illinois, and Bangor, Maine.

Lotion manufacturers such as Jergens of Cincinatti have also seen record profits in the days since the release of GTA:SA.

"It's, like, the best game ever," said gamer Greg Ford. "I want to spooge every time I even go near the disc, much less actually play it."

"I would kill my own mother to play San Andreas for five minutes," remarked video game enthusiast Larry Hearst.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

 

Jesus to Vote Libertarian

ASSOCIATED PRESS - Jesus Christ, savior of all humanity and the living manifestation of God the Father Almighty, announced his intentions to cast his vote for the Libertarian party in a short press conference today.

"As an influential person in the international community as well as a concerned citizen, I feel that the Michael Badnarik is the best choice for the presidency of the United States, as his political stance is most in line with my teachings. After all, the Lord God has blessed humanity with the gift of Free Will, and Badnarik seems to be the only candidate willing to acknowledge this generous offertory."

Jesus, a pop-culture icon since he first showcased his revolutionary religious ideals over two thousand years ago, has rarely involved himself in politics in the past.

"I warned everybody about Hitler," said Jesus. "But we can all see how much attention everyone pays their Savior." Despite his neutral dogma, the Lord felt that the issues surrounding this election in addition to the closeness of the race warranted a public statement of opinion.

When asked why he was not supporting either of the frontrunning candidates, who are both avowed Christians, Jesus laughed for fifteen minutes without a response.

After He recovered, Jesus closed the conference."I've gotta go," He declared, "I'm meeting Moses in thirty for a pastrami on rye."


Friday, October 29, 2004

 

AMD Bought out by Intel

reported by Charlie, with additional reporting by Suplex

ASSOCIATED PRESS - It was announced today that AMD, in desperation, is selling to Intel. At a price of $7 billion, Intel will own the titles AMD, Athlon, Duron, and others.

To quote one AMD employee, "Fuck Intel."

As for reasons for the sale, sources say AMD's 64-bit line of processors didn't do as well as expected, and the Opteron server class chips never took off. These flagship products were used as a "shot in the dark" for AMD to become more financially stable. Obviously, they missed.

Intel executives were overheard to say "Excellent..." while rubbing their hands together, no doubt plotting the demise of their enemies.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

 

Lionel Richie Dead at 55

reported by Suplex, with additional reporting by Rhino RADkins

World-famous recording artist Lionel Richie, born June 20, 1949 in Tuskegee, Alabama died today at the age of 55 around 5:46 P.M.

Mostly famous for his work during the 80's, Richie got his start in music in the 1970's with the Commodores. The Commodores are best known for the Top Ten Funk hit "(She's a) Brick House."

After an increasing swarm of media coverage, Richie left the group in 1981 to begin work as a solo artist. The album "Can't Slow Down" launched his career and made him an instant superstar. Richie released several more albums in the 80's and 90's, including "Dancing on the Ceiling" and "Hello".

Birmingham, Alabama coroner William Scott was asked for details surrounding the seemingly untimely death. Scott replied, "Upon examining the body... along with minute traces of cocaine in his system, the cause of death appears to be a heart attack. This heart failure apparently has little to do with the presence of the narcotic, but was most likely triggered by sudden stress."

Richie's 23 year old daughter, Nicole, refused to talk with the media. Rumor has Nicole as the cause of her father's untimely death. Shortly after approaching her father to tell him the shocking news that she and Michael Jackson were getting engaged, Lionel had a heart attack and died in his living room.

Michael Jackson, Nicole's godfather famous singer (and accused child molestor), released a statement reading: "I can't believe that he found this news to be shocking. After all I've been dating his daughter since she was 18.
And NO! I do not molest little boys. I give then warm milk and cookies and read them bed time stories before putting them to sleep. That's not against the law. Right?"

The newly engaged couple's wedding plans are still unknown.

Friday, October 22, 2004

 

INSANE CLOWN POSSE TO RELEASE SYMPHONIC TRIBUTE TO MICHAEL BOLTON

reported by Suplex

REUTERS - The Insane Clown Posse (ICP) announced in an exclusive press conference that they have decided to bring their Grammy award-winning strains of rap-rock to the works of Michael Bolton.

"We'd always been really tight with Mikey," said Violent J. "This was the only natural extension of our talents."

Shaggy 2 Dope remarked "We've been looking for a project to do with Lightning Bolt for some time, so we knew when our A&R guys came up with this idea, we had to do it."

Other members of the ICP family, including Twizted, will also appear on this compilation, tentatively titled When a Juggalo Loves a Bolton.

Atlantic Records was said to be ecstatic at the prospect of joining together two of their biggest selling artists in a thrilling collaboration.

Bolton responded with a statement reading, "Who are these no-talent fucks, and how did they get my home phone number?"

 

DEF LEPPARD NAMED 327th BEST BAND IN BRITAIN

reported by Suplex

ASSOCIATED PRESS - In a poll of readers of NME, Def Leppard was named the 327th greatest band in England.

"We consider this a great honor, as we thought everyone had forgotten about us completely," said Joe Elliot, lead singer for the once-popular hair metal band.

Groups ranked ahead of Def Leppard include the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, the Rolling Stones, Cream, the Stone Roses, Oasis, the Kinks, Supergrass, Mott the Hoople, Jethro Tull, 5ive, the Pogues, Duran Duran, Soft Cell, Prodigy, Bronski Beat, New Order, the Pet Shop Boys, the Faces, the Small Faces, Humble Pie, Herman's Hermits, Gerry and the Pacemakers, the Dave Clark Five, T. Rex, Lloyd Cole and the Drifters, Take That, Squeeze, the English Beat, Fishbone, Deep Purple, Chumbawamba, ABC, and 294 other bands of fair to middling talent.

Rick Allen, the drummer who lost his arm in a horrific car wreck in the mid-1980's, was overheard saying "You mean there are stil people who can remember us? Even I had forgotten most of our songs."

The producer responsible for most of Def Leppard's mid-80's hits (like Pour Some Sugar on Me, Armageddon It, Photograph, and Rock of Ages), Mutt Lange, was unavailable for comment as he was reportedly "fucking the shit out of Shania Twain in a mansion in Switzerland."

 

With Election Day Looming, President of Beers Race Heats Up

10/22/04

With Election Day nearing, the candidates for President of Beers are stepping up their attack ads in an effort to discredit their opponents. There are only 11 days left until the election and a recent Gallup/Newsweek Poll shows the race at a practical dead heat, with Budweiser recieving 52% of the vote and Miller getting 48%. The two contenders are continuing their tours through key battleground states in order to sway the ever-important swing voters. Today, Miller visited Main, New Hampshire and Ohio, a key state in the election which has lost 250,000 beer-related jobs. Budweiser, on the other hand, stumped in Oregon, Washington, Idaho and Wyoming. His message continues to be one of stability, staying the course, and an improved beer economy.

Another Blow
A race that many say has been overshadowed by this year's election for President of the United States, recieved another blow today as the Supreme Court ruled that the President of Beers candidates could not appear on the same ballot as the U.S. Presidential candidates. In a suprising instance of agreement, both Beer candidates were in favor of a shared ballot. Louis and Frank, the Budweiser spokeslizards, said that higher turnout would greater benefit their candidate. Mr. H. Zell, Miller's spokesman, said the same of his candidate. One high note on a reasonably dark day for the race came when the Supreme Court ruled that MotorVoter registration be extended to the Beer race.

More Constitutional Controversy
Meanwhile, a race already marred by more than its fair share of below-the-belt attacks and Constitutional allegations recieved another jolt when the issue of voting age for the election was raised. Legal voting age is 18, whereas the legal drinking age is 21, creating a dilemma of whether ineligable drinkers should be allowed to vote. One of the more radical solutions was proffered on Capitol Hill when Senator Patrick Leahy introduced a bill to lower the legal drinking age to 18 nationwide. The bill is expected to come to a vote by Tuesday.

Increased Mudslinging
Miller today responded to Budweiser's charge that he was constitutionally ineligible to run for president with its own claim of unconstitutionality against Budweiser, challenging Bud's claim of King of Beers. Miller contends that such a claim is unconstitutional because the Constitution says that no one can have titles. Calls to Budweiser's campaign headquarters regarding the subject were not immediately returned. Budweiser has been stepping up its self-promotion ads and has created Day Fresh Beer to increase its approval rating. Analysts say that this move could boost its ratings by as much as 3 percentage points.
 

Scientists and Doctors Discover Source of the Soul (Medical Brief)

10/22/04

Yesterday, a team of scientists and doctors released the results of their medical and scientific search for the origin of the "soul". The soul is mentioned in almost every religious doctrine, still, its existance and source has eluded scientists and doctors for years. Many people have begun to doubt the existance of such a thing but now, it has finally been proven. The report states that the testicles of men and the ovaries of women are the recepticles that hold the soul.

The team's report also outlined the cause of menopause. Since the soul resides in the ovaries, when they are empty of their eggs, there is no more soul remaining, thus women become much more unpleasent.

 

God and Virgin Mary Embroiled in Bitter Custody Dispute

10/22/04

In a suprising move today, the Virgin Mary filed legal papers to obtain custody of her son, Jesus. Mary claims that she is his rightful patent and expressed doubts that God was truly the father. She was married to Joseph at the time of conception. Her lawyer, Kenneth Starr, has requested paternity test be taken. God has hired Johnny Cockrane as his defense and issued counterclaims against her. He is also filing a civil suit against her asking for $5 million dollars for slander, libel, and defamation of character. A spokesperson for Mary issued this statement:

"It is a shame that such a powerful and respected man as God would stoop to such lows as he has in this case. He is resorting to bullying shakedown tactics in an attempt to scare Mary off and destroy her resolve. He has even threatened her with eternal Damnation and the Flames of Hell. It is also obvious by his choice of counsel that he intends to play the race card to win the case. After all, look what Mr. Cockrane did for O.J. It is a terrible day when a major religious diety like God decides to push the little people around and bully them with his powers. All Mary wants is to see her son. Is that too much for a mother to ask?"

We contacted God but when the subject was broached, the line went dead.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

 

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