Friday, November 12, 2004
YASSAR ARAFAT STILL DEAD (SORT OF)
reported by Suplex
ASSOCIATED PRESS - Yassar Arafat is once again dead, after a short run as a zombified half-dead entity.
Arafat initially died early November 11th in a Paris, France medical care facility after a long illness. He was in a coma for much of his stay at the Parisian hospital.
After his death at 0230 GMT, Arafat's body was placed in the hospital's morgue, where apparently the work of a voodoo priestess came to fruition. Arafat's zombified corpse rose from the cart his lifeless body was placed on. Arafat then began to gnaw determinedly on the brain of the body next to his, the corpse of one Jacques LeFleur.
LeFleur, 54, was a member of the French military, and had passed away after a sudden heart attack.
This provoked a quick response from the worldwide headquarters for prevention of zombie attacks, the Polish Army.
"Ve haf der zombie killing skills, ja," said Polish army spokesperson Stanislaus Zgniewscinski.
Zgniewscinski told reporters of the epic battle to destory Arafat's soulless shell and to keep the spectre of zombieism from spreading.
"Ja, ve hat to chop off Mr. Arafat's het und run away from der body, ja. Lookily by dat time ve hat der help of der French army, und dey haf more experience in running away, ja."
Thankfully, no one was seriously hurt in the ensuing chaos.
Arafat's headless body is now in the custody of Egyptian officials, who will bury most of him in Cairo later this week.
ASSOCIATED PRESS - Yassar Arafat is once again dead, after a short run as a zombified half-dead entity.
Arafat initially died early November 11th in a Paris, France medical care facility after a long illness. He was in a coma for much of his stay at the Parisian hospital.
After his death at 0230 GMT, Arafat's body was placed in the hospital's morgue, where apparently the work of a voodoo priestess came to fruition. Arafat's zombified corpse rose from the cart his lifeless body was placed on. Arafat then began to gnaw determinedly on the brain of the body next to his, the corpse of one Jacques LeFleur.
LeFleur, 54, was a member of the French military, and had passed away after a sudden heart attack.
This provoked a quick response from the worldwide headquarters for prevention of zombie attacks, the Polish Army.
"Ve haf der zombie killing skills, ja," said Polish army spokesperson Stanislaus Zgniewscinski.
Zgniewscinski told reporters of the epic battle to destory Arafat's soulless shell and to keep the spectre of zombieism from spreading.
"Ja, ve hat to chop off Mr. Arafat's het und run away from der body, ja. Lookily by dat time ve hat der help of der French army, und dey haf more experience in running away, ja."
Thankfully, no one was seriously hurt in the ensuing chaos.
Arafat's headless body is now in the custody of Egyptian officials, who will bury most of him in Cairo later this week.
Monday, November 08, 2004
Fox News anchor proclaims CNN to be "total douches"
reported by Suplex
REUTERS - In a Saturday broadcast on Fox News Channel, reporter Brit Hume called the Cable News Network (a subsidiary of AOL Time-Warner), a "bunch of total douches".
Rupert Murdoch, owner of News Corporation (the parent company of Fox News), released a statement that read "Yeah, they're a bunch of pooftahs over at CNN. Now how's about some more vegemite?"
Hume is not expected to receive any sort of sanction from Fox News, but is instead expected to co-host the new news-magazine show "Increase Your Ratings By Acting Like a Jackass" with Bill O'Reilly.
CNN did not issue a formal statement. They instead ran a message across their newscrawl reading "Stop being mean to me, Fox!" followed by a series of sad-visaged emoticons.
MSNBC executives could not be reached for comment as they were too busy picking through the dumpster behind their offices to find food for the night.
REUTERS - In a Saturday broadcast on Fox News Channel, reporter Brit Hume called the Cable News Network (a subsidiary of AOL Time-Warner), a "bunch of total douches".
Rupert Murdoch, owner of News Corporation (the parent company of Fox News), released a statement that read "Yeah, they're a bunch of pooftahs over at CNN. Now how's about some more vegemite?"
Hume is not expected to receive any sort of sanction from Fox News, but is instead expected to co-host the new news-magazine show "Increase Your Ratings By Acting Like a Jackass" with Bill O'Reilly.
CNN did not issue a formal statement. They instead ran a message across their newscrawl reading "Stop being mean to me, Fox!" followed by a series of sad-visaged emoticons.
MSNBC executives could not be reached for comment as they were too busy picking through the dumpster behind their offices to find food for the night.
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Release of GTA:SA leads many to "cream pants"
reported by Suplex
ASSOCIATED PRESS - Rockstar Games released the brand new installment in the Grand Theft Auto series, GTA: San Andreas.
IGN Insider calls GTA:SA "the latest in the million-selling franchise and offers up a world five times as large as (GTA) Vice City. It's truly incredible just how much you can do and how much scope the title has accomplished. Additionally, the story, set in the '90s, is more fierce than ever before. This makes San Andreas most certainly an M-rated experience with harsher profanity and violence than even the previous titles."
Gamers all over the world have cited the games graphics, storyline, and overall gamplay for the reason they need "a change of jockeys".
Makers of facial tissue all around the world, including industry giant Kleenex, celebrated the arrival of this milestone in gaming history. Kleenex in particular celebrated with the opening of two new factories in Waukegan, illinois, and Bangor, Maine.
Lotion manufacturers such as Jergens of Cincinatti have also seen record profits in the days since the release of GTA:SA.
"It's, like, the best game ever," said gamer Greg Ford. "I want to spooge every time I even go near the disc, much less actually play it."
"I would kill my own mother to play San Andreas for five minutes," remarked video game enthusiast Larry Hearst.
ASSOCIATED PRESS - Rockstar Games released the brand new installment in the Grand Theft Auto series, GTA: San Andreas.
IGN Insider calls GTA:SA "the latest in the million-selling franchise and offers up a world five times as large as (GTA) Vice City. It's truly incredible just how much you can do and how much scope the title has accomplished. Additionally, the story, set in the '90s, is more fierce than ever before. This makes San Andreas most certainly an M-rated experience with harsher profanity and violence than even the previous titles."
Gamers all over the world have cited the games graphics, storyline, and overall gamplay for the reason they need "a change of jockeys".
Makers of facial tissue all around the world, including industry giant Kleenex, celebrated the arrival of this milestone in gaming history. Kleenex in particular celebrated with the opening of two new factories in Waukegan, illinois, and Bangor, Maine.
Lotion manufacturers such as Jergens of Cincinatti have also seen record profits in the days since the release of GTA:SA.
"It's, like, the best game ever," said gamer Greg Ford. "I want to spooge every time I even go near the disc, much less actually play it."
"I would kill my own mother to play San Andreas for five minutes," remarked video game enthusiast Larry Hearst.
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Lionel Richie Dead at 55
reported by Suplex, with additional reporting by Rhino RADkins
World-famous recording artist Lionel Richie, born June 20, 1949 in Tuskegee, Alabama died today at the age of 55 around 5:46 P.M.
Mostly famous for his work during the 80's, Richie got his start in music in the 1970's with the Commodores. The Commodores are best known for the Top Ten Funk hit "(She's a) Brick House."
After an increasing swarm of media coverage, Richie left the group in 1981 to begin work as a solo artist. The album "Can't Slow Down" launched his career and made him an instant superstar. Richie released several more albums in the 80's and 90's, including "Dancing on the Ceiling" and "Hello".
Birmingham, Alabama coroner William Scott was asked for details surrounding the seemingly untimely death. Scott replied, "Upon examining the body... along with minute traces of cocaine in his system, the cause of death appears to be a heart attack. This heart failure apparently has little to do with the presence of the narcotic, but was most likely triggered by sudden stress."
Richie's 23 year old daughter, Nicole, refused to talk with the media. Rumor has Nicole as the cause of her father's untimely death. Shortly after approaching her father to tell him the shocking news that she and Michael Jackson were getting engaged, Lionel had a heart attack and died in his living room.
Michael Jackson, Nicole's godfather famous singer (and accused child molestor), released a statement reading: "I can't believe that he found this news to be shocking. After all I've been dating his daughter since she was 18.
And NO! I do not molest little boys. I give then warm milk and cookies and read them bed time stories before putting them to sleep. That's not against the law. Right?"
The newly engaged couple's wedding plans are still unknown.
World-famous recording artist Lionel Richie, born June 20, 1949 in Tuskegee, Alabama died today at the age of 55 around 5:46 P.M.
Mostly famous for his work during the 80's, Richie got his start in music in the 1970's with the Commodores. The Commodores are best known for the Top Ten Funk hit "(She's a) Brick House."
After an increasing swarm of media coverage, Richie left the group in 1981 to begin work as a solo artist. The album "Can't Slow Down" launched his career and made him an instant superstar. Richie released several more albums in the 80's and 90's, including "Dancing on the Ceiling" and "Hello".
Birmingham, Alabama coroner William Scott was asked for details surrounding the seemingly untimely death. Scott replied, "Upon examining the body... along with minute traces of cocaine in his system, the cause of death appears to be a heart attack. This heart failure apparently has little to do with the presence of the narcotic, but was most likely triggered by sudden stress."
Richie's 23 year old daughter, Nicole, refused to talk with the media. Rumor has Nicole as the cause of her father's untimely death. Shortly after approaching her father to tell him the shocking news that she and Michael Jackson were getting engaged, Lionel had a heart attack and died in his living room.
Michael Jackson, Nicole's godfather famous singer (and accused child molestor), released a statement reading: "I can't believe that he found this news to be shocking. After all I've been dating his daughter since she was 18.
And NO! I do not molest little boys. I give then warm milk and cookies and read them bed time stories before putting them to sleep. That's not against the law. Right?"
The newly engaged couple's wedding plans are still unknown.
Friday, October 22, 2004
INSANE CLOWN POSSE TO RELEASE SYMPHONIC TRIBUTE TO MICHAEL BOLTON
reported by Suplex
REUTERS - The Insane Clown Posse (ICP) announced in an exclusive press conference that they have decided to bring their Grammy award-winning strains of rap-rock to the works of Michael Bolton.
"We'd always been really tight with Mikey," said Violent J. "This was the only natural extension of our talents."
Shaggy 2 Dope remarked "We've been looking for a project to do with Lightning Bolt for some time, so we knew when our A&R guys came up with this idea, we had to do it."
Other members of the ICP family, including Twizted, will also appear on this compilation, tentatively titled When a Juggalo Loves a Bolton.
Atlantic Records was said to be ecstatic at the prospect of joining together two of their biggest selling artists in a thrilling collaboration.
Bolton responded with a statement reading, "Who are these no-talent fucks, and how did they get my home phone number?"
REUTERS - The Insane Clown Posse (ICP) announced in an exclusive press conference that they have decided to bring their Grammy award-winning strains of rap-rock to the works of Michael Bolton.
"We'd always been really tight with Mikey," said Violent J. "This was the only natural extension of our talents."
Shaggy 2 Dope remarked "We've been looking for a project to do with Lightning Bolt for some time, so we knew when our A&R guys came up with this idea, we had to do it."
Other members of the ICP family, including Twizted, will also appear on this compilation, tentatively titled When a Juggalo Loves a Bolton.
Atlantic Records was said to be ecstatic at the prospect of joining together two of their biggest selling artists in a thrilling collaboration.
Bolton responded with a statement reading, "Who are these no-talent fucks, and how did they get my home phone number?"
DEF LEPPARD NAMED 327th BEST BAND IN BRITAIN
reported by Suplex
ASSOCIATED PRESS - In a poll of readers of NME, Def Leppard was named the 327th greatest band in England.
"We consider this a great honor, as we thought everyone had forgotten about us completely," said Joe Elliot, lead singer for the once-popular hair metal band.
Groups ranked ahead of Def Leppard include the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, the Rolling Stones, Cream, the Stone Roses, Oasis, the Kinks, Supergrass, Mott the Hoople, Jethro Tull, 5ive, the Pogues, Duran Duran, Soft Cell, Prodigy, Bronski Beat, New Order, the Pet Shop Boys, the Faces, the Small Faces, Humble Pie, Herman's Hermits, Gerry and the Pacemakers, the Dave Clark Five, T. Rex, Lloyd Cole and the Drifters, Take That, Squeeze, the English Beat, Fishbone, Deep Purple, Chumbawamba, ABC, and 294 other bands of fair to middling talent.
Rick Allen, the drummer who lost his arm in a horrific car wreck in the mid-1980's, was overheard saying "You mean there are stil people who can remember us? Even I had forgotten most of our songs."
The producer responsible for most of Def Leppard's mid-80's hits (like Pour Some Sugar on Me, Armageddon It, Photograph, and Rock of Ages), Mutt Lange, was unavailable for comment as he was reportedly "fucking the shit out of Shania Twain in a mansion in Switzerland."
ASSOCIATED PRESS - In a poll of readers of NME, Def Leppard was named the 327th greatest band in England.
"We consider this a great honor, as we thought everyone had forgotten about us completely," said Joe Elliot, lead singer for the once-popular hair metal band.
Groups ranked ahead of Def Leppard include the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, the Rolling Stones, Cream, the Stone Roses, Oasis, the Kinks, Supergrass, Mott the Hoople, Jethro Tull, 5ive, the Pogues, Duran Duran, Soft Cell, Prodigy, Bronski Beat, New Order, the Pet Shop Boys, the Faces, the Small Faces, Humble Pie, Herman's Hermits, Gerry and the Pacemakers, the Dave Clark Five, T. Rex, Lloyd Cole and the Drifters, Take That, Squeeze, the English Beat, Fishbone, Deep Purple, Chumbawamba, ABC, and 294 other bands of fair to middling talent.
Rick Allen, the drummer who lost his arm in a horrific car wreck in the mid-1980's, was overheard saying "You mean there are stil people who can remember us? Even I had forgotten most of our songs."
The producer responsible for most of Def Leppard's mid-80's hits (like Pour Some Sugar on Me, Armageddon It, Photograph, and Rock of Ages), Mutt Lange, was unavailable for comment as he was reportedly "fucking the shit out of Shania Twain in a mansion in Switzerland."
Thursday, October 21, 2004
NEWS FOR THE MASSES
We will provide you with the finest news coverage available. Check back later for all the news you can use.
(note: news reported here may or may not be true. Reader discretion is advised.)
(note: news reported here may or may not be true. Reader discretion is advised.)
